dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
