it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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