he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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