so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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