she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
