umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Sorry my hands just texted you
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
