I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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