Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
this hospital has no fireball
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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