Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
