His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
