On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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