He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
