I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
