He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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