It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
