My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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