if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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