My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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