my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
