Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
