She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
