Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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