Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
