you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
