LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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