why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Found the puke drawer
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
