i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
