Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
