If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
