i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
