i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
ok first of all what the fuck
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
