Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
