its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
