I feel like I'm in dance class right now
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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