you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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