I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
