The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize