Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
