she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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