If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
