That's when you crack a 10am beer
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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