My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
