She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
