I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
