I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
