my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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