i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize