Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
