Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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