how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
