You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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