Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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