making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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