It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
