6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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