Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
