Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(661): View more from California

What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife

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(515): View more from Iowa

Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

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(716): View more from New York

is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??

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(973): View more from New Jersey

and then he started using my ass as a stressball

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?

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(+61): View more from Australia

The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.

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(435): View more from Utah

When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.

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