You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
