I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i've created a new STD.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
