I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
